It seems my own health has taken a turn for the worse.

I just found out, on Thursday, that my right kidney is no longer functioning (ie, the jet from it is no longer sending urine into my bladder.) there is something called a Bear Claw present, which bodes ill.

My left kidney is compromised too. Both have swelling, or hydronephrosis. It’s still functioning though, doing its damnedest.

Could be an infection, could be cancer, could be an obstruction.

Except they don’t see an obstruction.

It’s frustrating because I went to the hospital in November with extreme right kidney pain and swelling. It resolved into mild swelling, and though waves of intense pain occasionally hit, I was told it was nothing. I was made to believe I was crazy. I was told it was scoliosis pain. (I have mild scoliosis.)

I called in December every day for a week, once crying, saying I couldn’t lift my baby or take care of her, due to the pain and fatigue, and begged to be seen. I was scheduled for a consultation 2 months later, and again told that my urine was clear, reminded that the hydronephrosis was mild, the idea of it coming and going, of swelling and receding unlikely, that maybe my hormones were relaxing my ureters too much (I’m breastfeeding) and that they’d do another ultrasound in a couple months just to follow up.

And here I am- in kidney failure. My right kidney nonfunctional, and I feel increasing pain in my left.

And my dear Adahlia, my beautiful one, who curls next to me in the night, who strokes my breast and says “hey. hey.” to talk to me, who rocks and emanates joy, love and excitement to see me… How can I leave her? How can I even stop breastfeeding, if need be?

Oh the heartbreak. So many tears.

Dear god, please help us. I have tried. I have paid attention to my body and I have sought help. Why has no one in western medicine listened til now? When it is so serious?

All is in your hands. Please help me. Please guide me.

Please save us. We are yours, mere children of your children, please help.